Fake Dating for @stupidlullabies by @hcvillicrd
Festivus had the tendency of being an absolute disaster for Dorian Pavus, whether he intentionally pushed the holiday in that direction or not. Add in family reunions, and he could be sure that at least three people in the family would be crying by the end of the night. This year, however, he had one goal in mind: his eyeliner would not be smeared as he walked out the door, and he would carry himself with pride.
The only issue? It had become something of a habit to shock and astound not only his parents but every other extended member of the family with some sort of surprise. Last year it had been dreadfully long hair, the year before a ridiculous amount of piercings, and the year before that he had gladly shown off his brand-new tattoos in all their wonderful Tevinter-esque style. This year would be the year to undo all others.
And that’s how he ended up calling Cremisius Aclassi at one in the morning three days before the family reunion, asking if he could borrow his large Qunari friend for the get-together.
“Altus, what now?” Krem picked up the phone sounding all but awake, and Dorian could hear Lace’s quiet grumbling in the background, which meant that he’d most likely woken them up. Oops, how unfortunate.
The mage ran a hand over his eyes and wondered on how exactly to phrase this without causing Cremisius to have a heart attack. “I need your help. There’s a Pavus gathering on Friday and I need a boyfriend-”
“No, absolutely not, there will be no way in hell that I ever go with you to a shitshow like that! It’d be like going back to Tevinter all over again. Do you want me to throw myself to the dogs? Is that something you find fun?” Krem started blathering before he could even finish, and Dorian patiently listened to all the reasons his dear friend had decided that no, they would not look good together.
“No, but I do want to borrow your Qunari friend for the occasion. He seems like he’d be a man up to the task!” A daring and daunting request, maybe, but it was worth a shot. There was a long pause and silence dragged between the two for an agonizingly long moment. Dorian settled a bit more into his comfortable arm chair, closing his laptop and setting it aside while he waited.
“I don’t know. I’d have to talk to him. Shit, he might be crazy, but I don’t think he’d be that crazy.”
“Just give me his number, and we’ll work it out between ourselves. No need for your involvement beyond this point, I promise.”
“Fine, I’ll text it to you.” There was a sudden beep and the droning tone that told Dorian that Krem had decided to hang up. Huffing, he re-opened his laptop and waited. About five minutes after he’d started reading about Varric Tethras’ spit-shined sequel to the absolute drivel known as Hard in Hightown, his phone made a pinging sound. Krem seemed to have made good on his promise, and sure enough, there sat the Iron Bull’s number.